Pachelbel Rant

This guy has read my mind!!!

control

Mom and I were watching the movie, Instinct this week (among many other movies). It has an incredible message. It is that we are not in control. We are simply not in control. Of our lives, our environment, our jobs, our status, others... we are not in control. Okay, so maybe many of us already have that down. Another interesting fact the movie discusses is that we are not free. Now, why would I be excited about learning this? All my life, I have been trying to gain my freedom. Freedom in Christ, freedom from my parents. Freedom from addictive behaviors. And, I don't know how many people who have watched this movie, found this to be good news, but I did.

The reason, I think this is so great now, is because I understand (just today) that I will always be controlled by something, but I get to choose most of the time which priorities in life will control me. I will always be a slave to something. Although I love my job, I am controlled by it. Although I love my friends, I am a slave to them (to some extent). If I weren't,... If I did whatever I wanted to in my job or my friendships, or my daily life without the restraints that society, money, relationships, and waking up in the morning place on me, I would have none of them.

Now to translate that to something I can work on..... For the past (we'll say 7) years, I have loved finding my freedom, gaining my independence from my parents, getting a job I enjoy, taking new adventures, experiencing love. It has been great. But in the back of my mind, at some point, I always dart away for freedom, believing that at all costs, I shall not be controlled by anything. I shall not be subservient to anyone or any lifestyle, or any category. I loved what my mom called me when I was 2. "a free spirit". (ripping off my diaper and fleeing into the neighborhood)

Now that I have gained all of this freedom, (which I do not regret) I find that I have a need to "be controlled". Not because I am out of control or crazy, but because I long to deepen my relationships. Starting with my parents.

They asked me this weekend to go with them to see some of their friends, some of my old friends. I wouldn't go. I felt controlled. I didn't want to revert back into that life I had given up as "little child" of the family. Not only did this put a wall between me and my parents, I didn't get a chance to visit some good old friends. I didn't take the chance to share in the lives of my parents. And that was my loss. I could name countless circumstances I have broken away from control, and have been the loser.

Because while I have not been controlled by my parents, a career, a family w/ kids, or a household, I am controlled by the things that make my life go-round now. Singleness, intense workout schedule, packing up and moving, the people I serve at work. All still a wonderful life, but as Ethan Powell in Instinct shares with his therapist Control is an Illusion. Freedom is an illusion.

Father in Heaven, may I say with Paul, "I am controlled by the Love of Christ". May I serve Him and not my flesh. May my freedom come from service to others and May I be given wisdom as to what to serve and who to be slave to.

My Dad

What a kick I have gotten out of him this Christmas! He is a living testimony to the fact that people can change. My dad use to be depressed a lot of the time. But for close to 10 years now, he has been the class clown. The storyteller. The bright spot, and the Peacemaker of the family. Nobody doesn't like to be around him, and sometimes just being with him makes you feel welcome and happy. What a blessing that we thought might never happen. Thank you Jesus.

Today we were watching Hoosiers together. While dad used to not be able to sit through a movie, he watched the whole thing, commenting on the history and culture of the 1950's, one of his favorite periods in America.

Sometimes dad will just say some silly phrase that nobody expects out of him like "I hate that guy, always wearing the same grey pants"... (about the referee on Hoosiers).

or when he hated Nacho Libre, but watched it a second time anyway, just for me.
Or how he loves to go on long walks and talk about life, with anyone that will go. Just to get to know them more. One of his favorite phrases with me has been "Quality Time"

For the unstability of depression and graduation from the school of hard knocks, My dad is one of the most creative, stable, optimistic people I know. I'd love to be like him someday.... giving instead of taking, lending others the benefit of the doubt, and loving the joy of others more than his own.

Thank you, Lord, for a father to look up to.

Questioning

I usually write when I have just figured something out. Tonight I write because I am not sleeping. Because I don't understand.

I don't understand what you're doing with me. I don't get why I am still trying to bear all the weight of my mistakes.

I can't figure out why my life is taking off and yet my heart is still stuck in the same place.

Why one day I can say with confidence that there is nothing like strapping on your truth, and the next day, feel like I want to run free from it.

I'm not expecting answers. Sometimes I'm at my best when I don't have any. Thanks for hearing.

How to get what you want.

I was talking with Adam and Keith today about art and poetry. One of those postmodern conversations that you have in an endless Saturday at the coffee shop. The kind of conversation that can take a million twists and turns, and end up at either nothing, or give you great insight. The latter happened to me today.

We talked about how art and poetry use to be ways to express 2 things: truth and beauty. But somewhere along the line, creating art and poetry have become the ends in themselves. Not the avenues to truth and beauty. It is no longer that people want truth and beauty, they want art and poetry, so now I sit down to create a great piece of art, or write a great piece of poetry. I am no longer looking to express truth and beauty. This is when art and poetry die. They become boring and meaningless.

When I have truth and beauty inside of me, sometimes a good weblog entry comes out of it, but never do I have a good weblog entry when I think, "man, I want to write a good weblog entry".

Have you ever looked at the big wide sky at night in the country and, out of the corner of your eye, seen one bright star? You look straight at it, because you have to see it, but the interesting phenomena happens that it appears brighter when you don't look directly at it. It's the same way with everything that is beautiful and fulfilling. They come as surprises. They come as the byproduct of something else.

Art only happens when you aren't seeking art. A great conversation only happens when you aren't thinking of how to have a great conversation. Love only happens when you aren't craving love.

But the one thing that you can seek and get is God. And the cool thing that happens is that all sorts of other beautiful things happen in your life when you seek God. Your heart changes. You begin to want God. And when you want God, and aren't in control of what you will get, you appreciate all the surprises He brings you as a byproduct of His goodness.

The Bible tells us this: Seek first the Kingdom of Heaven, and all these other things will be added to you.

So what is the answer? How do you get what you want? Simple. Change what you want. Want God. Love God for God. Know Jesus Christ. Pursue Him. Find Him. There are endless depths to His character and His love. All the art, beauty, poetry, and loves in the world do not compare to His friendship alone. And most often, we are better off without the extras to distract us from Jesus Christ.

Be God's tonight. Love Him and want Him.

Perfectly Fitted

I am so excited to write about this right now! Maybe it's cuz I just had coffee. Or maybe it's because I am really happy about the topic I'm writing on.

So the song that's playing on MySpace , "Perfectly Fitted" - I just found it the other day.
It's about the "yoke" of Christ. That symbol He uses to talk about His Lordship in our lives. A "yoke" is this heavy harness thing that connects two Oxen to pull the plow in a field. (or use to before we had machinery) - anyway, You put it on oxen because it's heavy and pulls a lot of weight.

So thus transferring what Jesus is talking about, He says "Put my yoke upon you, for I am humble and gentle and you will find rest for your souls".
I have always understood what that meant, since I was little, but am experiencing it for real now.

Jesus' yoke is that thing that is Heavy and Hurts sometimes. It's that thing that controls you and binds you. Keeps you in line, from going astray, so you do what he wants you to. And when you don't have it on, you never want to put it on. It's like strapping on a heavy backpack. Or putting on heavy armor for battle. It's like putting skis on your feet, or a seatbelt on.

It's that thing you DON'T WANT TO DO. You don't want to put it on. You don't want to submitt to it....... But, it's what works. It's what controls you, or rather, what keeps you under control and protects you from yourself. It's what keeps you connected to Christ Jesus. It's what Humbles you and keeps you in line with the work of His Kingdom. It's what keeps you Loving Him. It's what lets you rest. That's what Paul is talking about when He says, "Put On Christ". That's what Paul means when he says he knows what it is to "fellowship in Christ's sufferings".

So, I am experiencing this right now in my life. Not that my life is bad... just that it's different than what I would've chosen for myself. It's me submitting to the Lordship of Jesus Christ. It's me under His yoke. Not me free and wild and out of control. I am knowing him, close to him. I have this heavy thing on me that is sometimes difficult to get on, and sometimes hard to take the next step. But it's this big heavy coat that keeps me warm. This connectedness that keeps me close to my Lord. It's this anchor of humility right next to me, telling me to calm down and lay down my rights.

And I find that because I am connected to Christ, when I take that next step that seems so hard, it's He that pulls the weight. And I fit perfectly into His Yoke.

The Yoke of Jesus Christ is what gets the job done. It's what works. When so many times before, I have crawled on the ground with a toothpick trying to pull up the ground on my own because I want to be free.

What a gift I have found in the Lordship of Jesus Christ. I have found my freedom in His Yoke.

My Space

follow this link to MySpace. I would love to add you as a friend.

myspace.com/eviekrenzin

What is it about another person's testimony that can at once make you see your own? Or to see another person being loved by Christ can immediately draw your attention to the fact that you are LOVED by CHRIST.

As I was reading a Rich Mullins article about the Lilies that God clothed, I became aware of this underlying error I have carried in my thinking for several years now. It is the false idea that perhaps I write my own story. That just maybe it is my choices that produce the future of my life. Or the possibility that I clothe myself, I feed myself, and I make my own bed and lay in it. At one point, I came dangerously close to believing in the Deistic worldview - the idea that God has set the world in motion like a wind-up toy, to let it run its own course, having no personal influence on the daily details of my own life.

Let me just say that if you are believing this right now and living like it, ..... well the goodness of God will perhaps lead you to a place where you will discover the riches of his care in your life....at each moment.

Now, I'm not disregarding the importance of human responsibility. Of course - do what you know you should do. And don't do what you know you shouldn't do. That too is God working in the details of your life. That too is your response to the overwhelming love of Christ

What I am referring to is the overall bitter rebellion that takes place when we think that we are alone. That God has left us to our own demise. That if I don't take charge and control my life, nobody will. That drive within you that causes you to lash out, to walk on people, to grab and clutch.

The LOVE OF CHRIST is wholely different. In the love of Jesus Christ, there is this realization that I am held. That I am guided. I am led, directed. I am FREE, I am loved. I am important to someone. All this makes it okay that I might be hungry or naked or that I may not be loved by everyone else. It is Freedom. It is security. It is grace when you find that you have sinned. It is mercy when you realize that you deserve to sleep in the bed you've made, and yet Jesus Christ is cradeling you in His.

You can give to others. You can let go of your own. You can free others. You can forgive others. You can forgive yourself. You can serve others and not yourself.

How deep is the Father's Love for us that we are called His children. Suddenly now all these verses about His personal care of us are flooding my mind and freeing me to live in His love.
Christ be with you
Live in His Love as I pray you are.

Bott Radio Network

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My Dream Job

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The Advent Season

Let us not do with Christmas, what we have done so many years.... let us LIVE in the birth of Jesus Christ.

http://www.edow.org/spirituality/readings.html#1201

"December 4

Perhaps best understood through the metaphor of pregnancy, Advent offers us a word of hope, the possibility of birthing new life, a rekindled vision to which we might give our lives. It is not so much a penitential season focused on our unfaithfulness as it is a season of paradoxes: longing anticipation and patient watching; transforming the way we envision life and yet living prepared; waiting for what never seems to come and continuing in hopeful trust; desiring to give up control and opening ourselves to few possibilities for life. All of these are responses to God's unmerited and gracious love for us, God's implanting of life in us at the very moment in our lives when we have grown weary, and have lost hope.

Perhaps if we really took seriously these stories of Advent, life in the church would be somewhat different from what most of us know it to be. For many of us, Advent is preparation for a secular Christmas through frantic, exhausting escapist behavior. We eat too much, party too much, stay up too late. And when Christmas comes, we fall apart. We frantically decorate and clean our homes. We buy presents. By the end of Advent some have experienced what they call “Christmas joy,” but it is short-lived and lacking in depth. It is a season when the lonely tend to experience greater loneliness, the broken have their wounds opened again, the weary end up more tired, and everyone is poorer. Few experience a second coming, a rebirth of new life, and the presence of that peace, hope, healing, love, joy promised to those who need them most. If the church is to be a gift to those whose lives cry out for good news, it will need to rethink how it integrates the stories of people with its story during the Advent season. This in turn will mean reflecting more deeply on the stories of Advent and more honestly on the stories of our lives.

From “Recapturing Lost Visions: Advent” in A Pilgrim People: Learning Through the Church Year by John H. Westerhoff III. A Seabury Classic from Church Publishing. Copyright © 2005. Used by permission of Church Publishing Incorporated, New York , NY . www.churchpublishing.org"

Good Times

I spent the weekend doing some things I use to do.

About every year I take a little "retreat" by myself to this great little place in the wilderness near Manhattan. Then I went with some friends tonight to a reenactment of the Christmas story. I'm taking in all the places and things that feel like home right now, knowing that in a few months, I will be far from home.

Pray for me, that in my heart I will find Home with the Lord. I'll miss this place that has been familiar for so long, but I'm excited about the challenges ahead.

I was talking with my friend, Rosanna tonight about her calm, centered spirit. She just has this great sense of calm about her. I wondered where it came from and what she does to get it. Of course she wouldn't say.... she probably doesn't even know that it's special to have. I love people like that - people that comfort others with their best qualities and don't even know it.

I'm sure the dear Lord has a place for those of us who are not quite as centered as Rosanna, but I'm still looking to make that a more prominent part of my character. By the grace of God alone, I will see it happen. Looking back on the prayers I thought God would never answer, but he has in his timing, I have only to wait, pray, and depend on His Spirit, I suppose.

Goodnight.

Thirst

I just woke up from a sound sleep incredibly thirsty. I had to get some water. And it struck me. I heard a talk this week on the long-term affects of being dehydrated. It's not a pretty picture.

Do you ever "wake up" to find that it's been way too long since your soul has been quenched? Do you find that the long-term affects of quality time with the Lord are taking their toll?
Do you ever awake to find that you're all alone in this world, that no one is with you?

The Lord says draw near to him and he will draw near to you.
That He is the Living Water. That He will never leave you nor forsake you.
So, seek the Lord while He may be found. He is good for your soul. And He is waiting to be sought. To be found. To be loved, and to overwhelm you with His love.

It's dark morning now and I need sleep, but I think I will draw near to Jesus first.
Jesus' peace to you.

The Babes

Free

So, I just happened to think about the rich young ruler and why he couldn't follow Jesus. Of course it was because he had so much money and that he idolized it, but on a deeper level, it was because his money and his possessions tied him down so that he was unable to be available for the service of Christ. He told the young man to sell all his possessions and give his money to the poor. But that was not the end of it. He told the man to follow Him. It was not the act of selling his possessions that made him fit for Jesus' service. It was the fact that he would've been free to serve Jesus then.

This makes me think about where I am now. I am always free of possessions. I don't like possessions. I have to take care of them. I'd rather be with as few possessions as possible. But something hinders me from being free to do the service of Jesus.

I see this, Lord. Oh free me from my mentality, and allow me to serve you joyfully with complete surrender.

Your's Truly

Dear Father, Thank you for hearing my prayers, and for answering me in that still small assuring voice. You always come through in spite of my temper tantrums. Oh that I would trust you and wait through the hard times with grace and patience. Do this work in me, I pray.
Today and yesterday have been great days. You have set in me a hope for my future in your kingdom. I have a place with you for all eternity. I have been given all good things, and an assurance that you hold me in your hand, and have not forsaken me.
I went running today. It was rough. It has been rough the last two times. Nevertheless, I have been given the motivation to plow ahead to 45 minutes today. It was a beautiful run on the linear trail. The warm weather for November was great for running. The leafy trail and the birds above head gave me a beautiful setting to run in. Your creation. I love exploring. When we were little, we used to go exploring with dad. He would take us on walks or down hallways, or wherever we could find to go, and we would explore it. I think that need for exploration will always be with me in my heart.
I want to explore you oh God. I heard C.S. Lewis say that he thought in heaven, we would be exploring the depths of God for all eternity. How mysterious and incredible. I cannot wait. I start now again today. The depths of God. The sheer awe of your character. The true meaning of love. I live within your heart, Christ, and ask for the path to explore you this year. I love you, and I want nothing more, and nothing less. Let my desires be set in your heart and nowhere else.