control

Mom and I were watching the movie, Instinct this week (among many other movies). It has an incredible message. It is that we are not in control. We are simply not in control. Of our lives, our environment, our jobs, our status, others... we are not in control. Okay, so maybe many of us already have that down. Another interesting fact the movie discusses is that we are not free. Now, why would I be excited about learning this? All my life, I have been trying to gain my freedom. Freedom in Christ, freedom from my parents. Freedom from addictive behaviors. And, I don't know how many people who have watched this movie, found this to be good news, but I did.

The reason, I think this is so great now, is because I understand (just today) that I will always be controlled by something, but I get to choose most of the time which priorities in life will control me. I will always be a slave to something. Although I love my job, I am controlled by it. Although I love my friends, I am a slave to them (to some extent). If I weren't,... If I did whatever I wanted to in my job or my friendships, or my daily life without the restraints that society, money, relationships, and waking up in the morning place on me, I would have none of them.

Now to translate that to something I can work on..... For the past (we'll say 7) years, I have loved finding my freedom, gaining my independence from my parents, getting a job I enjoy, taking new adventures, experiencing love. It has been great. But in the back of my mind, at some point, I always dart away for freedom, believing that at all costs, I shall not be controlled by anything. I shall not be subservient to anyone or any lifestyle, or any category. I loved what my mom called me when I was 2. "a free spirit". (ripping off my diaper and fleeing into the neighborhood)

Now that I have gained all of this freedom, (which I do not regret) I find that I have a need to "be controlled". Not because I am out of control or crazy, but because I long to deepen my relationships. Starting with my parents.

They asked me this weekend to go with them to see some of their friends, some of my old friends. I wouldn't go. I felt controlled. I didn't want to revert back into that life I had given up as "little child" of the family. Not only did this put a wall between me and my parents, I didn't get a chance to visit some good old friends. I didn't take the chance to share in the lives of my parents. And that was my loss. I could name countless circumstances I have broken away from control, and have been the loser.

Because while I have not been controlled by my parents, a career, a family w/ kids, or a household, I am controlled by the things that make my life go-round now. Singleness, intense workout schedule, packing up and moving, the people I serve at work. All still a wonderful life, but as Ethan Powell in Instinct shares with his therapist Control is an Illusion. Freedom is an illusion.

Father in Heaven, may I say with Paul, "I am controlled by the Love of Christ". May I serve Him and not my flesh. May my freedom come from service to others and May I be given wisdom as to what to serve and who to be slave to.