I am fighting the strange suspicion that I don't make good decisions in life. I think I have always thought this, but it seems to appear more frequently when I'm about to do some big crazy thing like move.
I was thinking about it this morning and about how I sometimes doubt whether God has a specific plan for my life. Scripture is kind of vague about it. Seemingly a bit impersonal. I know that God used for good what Joseph's brother's meant for harm, but it never says anywhere that God used for good what Evie messed up with all her screwy decisions. (if anyone has an answer for these thoughts I'd be happy to hear them)
But the good part is that God speaks through his word in the details when I can't find an answer to the biggies. In Malachi this morning, God said that He deserves honor. God said that He curses blessings if we don't take to heart the task of honoring his name.
After studying Malachi, my heart looks up. It is a discipline to honor the Lord when I feel confused and out of control. It is an act of submission to pray and adore him. But as I study his word, I realize that above all my confusion, He is right. He is good.
And even if He has to spell it out word for word to me, He deserves to be honored by my life.
Saturday, January 20, 2007
Saturday, January 13, 2007
NOLS
It's about 3 weeks until I go to Wyoming in the dead of winter for my NOLS course. (That's National Outdoor Leadership School). I'm gonna go learn about winter camping and skiing. I'll get to wade through waist-deep water in caves and "jam my hands into granite crags" up some mountain wall. Sounds weird when I type it. Sounds pretty dumb really. I've wanted to take on this challenge for about a year now and am thrilled to get this chance. But I haven't really articulated reasons I'm going to do it. So here they are.
I feel less than useful to the world around me. Going through college was a great way to start off my adult-hood and give me some knowledge. But now I'm ready for a skill that I can do with my hands (and feet). Hopefully that will correlate with the spiritual lessons I've been taught. Perhaps I can open someone's eyes to the beauty and color of nature and the greater reality of its maker, Jesus Christ.
Maybe I can show someone how to be "led beside still waters" and "rest in green pastures"
Just maybe someone is without hope and the Lord could give them the breath of fresh air that they're looking for. I'm looking for a job somewhat too specific to find on my own. Some sort of wilderness therapy position, or wilderness discipleship community. You know, not too far from my family, in a beautiful wooded setting, with a great group of people. Who knows. (if anyone knows of one, tell me). The Lord knows.
Is there anyone else out there that feels like they're just unsettled, and yet could not succumb to the settled life if they tried? I feel like if I stayed put, I would curl up and rot away.
I've been training since August for this. I think I'm ready. But my heart is so sad to leave Manhattan. For the last couple days, everytime I see someone I know, I tear up because of the value of their friendship, and what I will be walking away from. You're probably all like, "what is wrong with that girl?" "She must have a cold or something". No, to be honest, my heart is breaking because I love you all so much. That's it.
So why am I leaving if I value my "family" so much. What am I doing with my life, if I adhere fully to the purpose of the church to which I belong? It's certainly nothing of a mission trip, or a ministerial calling.
Well, I don't know fully why I'm leaving. But I do know that I will be somewhere and not just "gone", so if any of you likes to write letters, please write to me.
Evie Krenzin
E22-SSR-2-02/07/2007
NOLS
P.O. Box 333
Lander, Wyoming, 82520
And pray that God would make my nervouse meanderings a blessing to someone, of use to His Kingdom, and out of love for Him who gave me a full life.
I feel less than useful to the world around me. Going through college was a great way to start off my adult-hood and give me some knowledge. But now I'm ready for a skill that I can do with my hands (and feet). Hopefully that will correlate with the spiritual lessons I've been taught. Perhaps I can open someone's eyes to the beauty and color of nature and the greater reality of its maker, Jesus Christ.
Maybe I can show someone how to be "led beside still waters" and "rest in green pastures"
Just maybe someone is without hope and the Lord could give them the breath of fresh air that they're looking for. I'm looking for a job somewhat too specific to find on my own. Some sort of wilderness therapy position, or wilderness discipleship community. You know, not too far from my family, in a beautiful wooded setting, with a great group of people. Who knows. (if anyone knows of one, tell me). The Lord knows.
Is there anyone else out there that feels like they're just unsettled, and yet could not succumb to the settled life if they tried? I feel like if I stayed put, I would curl up and rot away.
I've been training since August for this. I think I'm ready. But my heart is so sad to leave Manhattan. For the last couple days, everytime I see someone I know, I tear up because of the value of their friendship, and what I will be walking away from. You're probably all like, "what is wrong with that girl?" "She must have a cold or something". No, to be honest, my heart is breaking because I love you all so much. That's it.
So why am I leaving if I value my "family" so much. What am I doing with my life, if I adhere fully to the purpose of the church to which I belong? It's certainly nothing of a mission trip, or a ministerial calling.
Well, I don't know fully why I'm leaving. But I do know that I will be somewhere and not just "gone", so if any of you likes to write letters, please write to me.
Evie Krenzin
E22-SSR-2-02/07/2007
NOLS
P.O. Box 333
Lander, Wyoming, 82520
And pray that God would make my nervouse meanderings a blessing to someone, of use to His Kingdom, and out of love for Him who gave me a full life.
Saturday, January 06, 2007
Don't Read This unless you really want to know how I'm feeling
I want to post this, because this is one of the most important lessons I have learned so far. And I want people to hear this. But it will be candid. It will deal with specifics in my life. It's pretty girly and emotional.
As everyone who know me knows, my relationship with a great guy, (we'll call him Danny), ended this year. And as most breakups are, the months following have been painful and confusing, and have taught me a lot.
Looking back, I can find so many things I could have done better or different, or not at all. But it's hard to find one reason why it all ended.... other than the fact that the good Lord has the final word.
Here's the girly emotional part: You know when you hear people say, that when you have found the right person, you "just know it". Well, if anyone "just knew it", if anyone "just knew" that they had found THE ONE, I did. I felt so strongly that the Lord had matched me up with Danny. I KNEW that he was the one for me, and I was SURE that I was the one for him. It was certain.... and yet, it's over. Danny and I did not get married as we had talked about, Danny did not propose to me the way he said he would like to, and I did not wait for Danny to commit to me.
Here's the spiritual lesson I learned: So, I have been processing this for almost a year now, asking what went wrong? how can I reverse what I did, how do I let go of hopes and dreams, and most recently, how do I reconcile what I felt with what is real? And I have received answes to all these questions. (praise God)
The lesson I learned came from talking to a friend of mine. Jamie has a great girlfriend. Jamie is certain that this relationship is meant to be. He has found the one and has felt as strongly about it as I felt about Danny. But Jamie's relationship is pretty close to ending. Jamie just knows that it was meant to be, and thinks it will all be fine. For reasons that I probably shouldn't know, I know that God in his grace will not allow his relationship to continue. I know that Jamie's strong feelings do not determine his future. It doesn't matter that Jamie feels like he has secured his future with this girl, the reality is that it is simply over.
While my friendship with Danny (I believe) honored the Lord and was biblical as far as I could tell, that certain magical connection.... that very strong feeling, that certainty did not hold our relationship together.
Many verses come to mind (which I don't have references to right now :))
"A man sets his plans, but the Lord orders his steps".... "The heart is deceptive above all things".... These are verses I knew before, but am experiencing now.
I am thankful to the Lord for his mercy to guide me to places that I have not planned. Although it is hard, I am seeing the wonderful and mysterious ways that the Lord works in our lives, and a future that He has planned for me despite my meanderings through this life.
I have many friends who have tried to convert me to Calvinism (bless their little hearts). I have told them that the Lord obviously has not predetermined me to be a Calvinist.
But the mystery of how God is in control despite and through my own decisions has allowed me the freedom to trust Him more.
"Danny", if you ever stumble across this blog, thanks for the good times, and for being a huge part of the Lord's plan for my life even if it is not how I had thought.
As everyone who know me knows, my relationship with a great guy, (we'll call him Danny), ended this year. And as most breakups are, the months following have been painful and confusing, and have taught me a lot.
Looking back, I can find so many things I could have done better or different, or not at all. But it's hard to find one reason why it all ended.... other than the fact that the good Lord has the final word.
Here's the girly emotional part: You know when you hear people say, that when you have found the right person, you "just know it". Well, if anyone "just knew it", if anyone "just knew" that they had found THE ONE, I did. I felt so strongly that the Lord had matched me up with Danny. I KNEW that he was the one for me, and I was SURE that I was the one for him. It was certain.... and yet, it's over. Danny and I did not get married as we had talked about, Danny did not propose to me the way he said he would like to, and I did not wait for Danny to commit to me.
Here's the spiritual lesson I learned: So, I have been processing this for almost a year now, asking what went wrong? how can I reverse what I did, how do I let go of hopes and dreams, and most recently, how do I reconcile what I felt with what is real? And I have received answes to all these questions. (praise God)
The lesson I learned came from talking to a friend of mine. Jamie has a great girlfriend. Jamie is certain that this relationship is meant to be. He has found the one and has felt as strongly about it as I felt about Danny. But Jamie's relationship is pretty close to ending. Jamie just knows that it was meant to be, and thinks it will all be fine. For reasons that I probably shouldn't know, I know that God in his grace will not allow his relationship to continue. I know that Jamie's strong feelings do not determine his future. It doesn't matter that Jamie feels like he has secured his future with this girl, the reality is that it is simply over.
While my friendship with Danny (I believe) honored the Lord and was biblical as far as I could tell, that certain magical connection.... that very strong feeling, that certainty did not hold our relationship together.
Many verses come to mind (which I don't have references to right now :))
"A man sets his plans, but the Lord orders his steps".... "The heart is deceptive above all things".... These are verses I knew before, but am experiencing now.
I am thankful to the Lord for his mercy to guide me to places that I have not planned. Although it is hard, I am seeing the wonderful and mysterious ways that the Lord works in our lives, and a future that He has planned for me despite my meanderings through this life.
I have many friends who have tried to convert me to Calvinism (bless their little hearts). I have told them that the Lord obviously has not predetermined me to be a Calvinist.
But the mystery of how God is in control despite and through my own decisions has allowed me the freedom to trust Him more.
"Danny", if you ever stumble across this blog, thanks for the good times, and for being a huge part of the Lord's plan for my life even if it is not how I had thought.
Tuesday, January 02, 2007
Beware of Pachelbel Rant
Okay, so my last post was handed to me by my PASTOR, just to let you know. I still think it's awesome, but if you dare to watch it, beware of the last 20 seconds, when the guy gets really angry and says some unwholesome words.
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