Don't Read This unless you really want to know how I'm feeling

I want to post this, because this is one of the most important lessons I have learned so far. And I want people to hear this. But it will be candid. It will deal with specifics in my life. It's pretty girly and emotional.

As everyone who know me knows, my relationship with a great guy, (we'll call him Danny), ended this year. And as most breakups are, the months following have been painful and confusing, and have taught me a lot.

Looking back, I can find so many things I could have done better or different, or not at all. But it's hard to find one reason why it all ended.... other than the fact that the good Lord has the final word.

Here's the girly emotional part: You know when you hear people say, that when you have found the right person, you "just know it". Well, if anyone "just knew it", if anyone "just knew" that they had found THE ONE, I did. I felt so strongly that the Lord had matched me up with Danny. I KNEW that he was the one for me, and I was SURE that I was the one for him. It was certain.... and yet, it's over. Danny and I did not get married as we had talked about, Danny did not propose to me the way he said he would like to, and I did not wait for Danny to commit to me.

Here's the spiritual lesson I learned: So, I have been processing this for almost a year now, asking what went wrong? how can I reverse what I did, how do I let go of hopes and dreams, and most recently, how do I reconcile what I felt with what is real? And I have received answes to all these questions. (praise God)

The lesson I learned came from talking to a friend of mine. Jamie has a great girlfriend. Jamie is certain that this relationship is meant to be. He has found the one and has felt as strongly about it as I felt about Danny. But Jamie's relationship is pretty close to ending. Jamie just knows that it was meant to be, and thinks it will all be fine. For reasons that I probably shouldn't know, I know that God in his grace will not allow his relationship to continue. I know that Jamie's strong feelings do not determine his future. It doesn't matter that Jamie feels like he has secured his future with this girl, the reality is that it is simply over.

While my friendship with Danny (I believe) honored the Lord and was biblical as far as I could tell, that certain magical connection.... that very strong feeling, that certainty did not hold our relationship together.

Many verses come to mind (which I don't have references to right now :))

"A man sets his plans, but the Lord orders his steps".... "The heart is deceptive above all things".... These are verses I knew before, but am experiencing now.

I am thankful to the Lord for his mercy to guide me to places that I have not planned. Although it is hard, I am seeing the wonderful and mysterious ways that the Lord works in our lives, and a future that He has planned for me despite my meanderings through this life.
I have many friends who have tried to convert me to Calvinism (bless their little hearts). I have told them that the Lord obviously has not predetermined me to be a Calvinist.
But the mystery of how God is in control despite and through my own decisions has allowed me the freedom to trust Him more.

"Danny", if you ever stumble across this blog, thanks for the good times, and for being a huge part of the Lord's plan for my life even if it is not how I had thought.